“Since we don’t control the air, our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air, so when China gets our good air, their bad air got to move. So it moves over to our good air space. Then now we got to clean that back up.” —Republican US Senate Candidate Herschel Walker, July 11, 2022.
These Dispatches from the Apocalypse are an attempt to observe and record our declining civilization with tongue planted firmly in cheek, and maybe a thumb in an occasional eye. In this dispatch, I comment on how the Republican Party are in the minority in their way of thinking, have some of the most unqualified and ludicrous Congressmen and women, yet somehow still have their greedy and corrupt hands on the rudder of this big ship we call “government.”
Through my connections with the New World Order, established in Dispatch #12, and with the technology the Right has had to freeze people into suspended animation, established in Dispatch #4, it makes complete sense that I’ve managed to score an exclusive interview with the GOP’s next big candidate for office. You see, the Republicans have been struggling lately with their latest crop of Representatives and Senators, many of whom have become great embarrassments:
- Matt Gaetz (Republican Representative from Florida) is under federal investigation for sex trafficking and paying an underage girl to have sex;
- Jewish Space Laser/Gazpacho Police-believing Marjorie Taylor-Greene has been removed from all committees;
- Madison Cawthorn lost his seat in disgrace;
- the fact that Lauren Boebert’s husband whipped his tattooed penis out at a bowling alley has come to light recently;
- and now football star Herschel Walker has been revealed to have secret children and a recent video of him explaining his unique views on climate change has gone viral in the worst way.
So, senior GOP Senator and slowly melting turtle man, Mitch McConnell, has decided to unthaw a super soldier from Project Frozen Phoenix.
The military had frozen a squad of super soldiers in case they were needed in a future war, but now, instead of unleashing them on a battlefield, they’ve decided they would do the most good in Congress. As of now, they’ve only dethawed the one as a test subject.
Major John McLobo was put into cryogenic hibernation in the fall of 1984. I caught up with him right after the Republican speechwriter Stephen Miller told him that his mission would be a little different. The GOP hope he will take the baton from Trump and make America the ’80s again. I sat down with him and Miller, only a day after his waking from his cryo-sleep.
Sean Davis: Thank you for sitting down to do this interview, Major.
John McLobo (JM): Of course, citizen. I am very excited for this opportunity to serve my country.
Do you plan to do many interviews?
JM: I hope so. How else would I get the message out? There’s nothing more trusted and sacred than the integrity of newspaper and television news media.
[At this point, Stephen Miller’s eyes flash red and he starts to cough until he catches the Major’s eye and subtly shakes his head.]
Stephen Miller (SM): Next Question.
Okay, I’ll just start with the first question. So, what issues do you plan on championing if you’re elected?
JM: Good question, citizen. When I’m elected, I will pick up where I left off and destroy the Communist Russians once and for all. I heard Putin had declared himself president for life. No one should have a dictator in office who blatantly steals elections or would rule despite the majority of the voting population voting otherwise.
[Miller’s face involuntarily twists for a moment. He coughs louder and shakes his head faster.]
SM: Let’s move on to the next question.
Isn’t that how Republicans get elected as president? I mean it’s happened a number of times in history, the loser of the popular vote has become president, and they’ve all been Republicans: Rutherford B. Hayes lost the popular vote and served as president, as did Benjamin Harrison, George W. Bush, and Donald Trump.
SM: I said next question.
Okay, okay. Moving on. So, how would you fix the economy?
JM: Okay, well, I’ll cut corporate tax rates to 40%. I know this sounds crazy, but when the rich have more money, that money will trickle …
The corporate tax rates in the US today are below 25%. It’s been below 30% since 2005.
JM: Holy shit! And we’re not a conservative utopia? How are we not living in a conservative utopia? The trickle down. There should have been trickle down.
No, homelessness is at an all-time high, inflation is higher than it was since before you were frozen, Iran and North Korea are threatening nuclear war, and climate change just this week has created heat domes that are threatening to kill people in Europe and the UK and it probably will overload and destroy the Texas power grid.
JM: What are the rich doing with the money they save from cutting taxes?
Buying super yachts and becoming fake astronauts. Maybe moving to Mars? They’ve done pretty much everything but make this world a better place.
JM: What the fuck is a heat dome? Homelessness is still an issue? Inflation? Climate change? Everyone is going apeshit over Top Gun, and Star Wars? Even Kate Bush is still running up that hill. Jesus Christ, what the hell have you guys been doing the whole time I was sleeping? Anything at all?
SM: Well, transexuals can’t use the women’s restrooms in a lot of states. We made it harder for black and brown people to vote in Texas and Georgia. We made it illegal for women to have abortions in half the states. I think we stopped like a dozen migrant caravans.
JM: So, we’re making the land of the free better by taking rights away from Americans? And keeping people from migrating here? Those are the opposite of being American.
[Miller looks at me and back to the Major and whispers.]
SM: Well, Major, it’s either that or they’ll take over.
JM: Who will take over?
SM: The Snowflakes. The Sheeple. The Libtards.
JM: What language are you speaking? [Falls into the hotel chair.] I got to say, politics today seems pretty complicated. I miss the ’80s where there was nothing more patriotic than using Chinese Kung Fu to kick the shit out of a bunch of Mexican drug dealers and then drinking a German beer and doing a line of Colombian Cocaine. The team and I would call that type of night an Old Melting Pot.
SM: [Turning to me.] I’m sorry. I don’t think we were ready for this. Let me see if I can get Dr. Oz for a phone interview.
After that, the Major was shuffled out of the room. Steven Miller looked a bit embarrassed by the whole situation, but I didn’t think he really had anything to be embarrassed about. The Republican Party—despite all their lunatic candidates, their plan to rerun a twice-impeached, corrupt-as-he-is-inept presidential candidate, and all their blatant racism and misogyny—has nothing to be embarrassed about, and their blatant takeover of the Supreme Court; this party is in the minority with voters, ideals, and policies, and they are still dictating the history of a population that out-vote them at most elections.
It may seem like a losing strategy for a political party to completely ignore future problems that can potentially end our civilization, but it’s not. That’s their strength. They look to a nostalgic past that did not exist for the majority of the population, and they make their base outraged that they can’t live in that past. It would take a ton of work and personal sacrifice to fix problems like climate change, homelessness, or getting people clean drinking water or food. It’s so much easier to pretend the problems don’t exist, or believing a guy that says, “I alone can fix it.”
The GOP strangle individual freedoms while exclaiming they are the party that believes we are the Land of the Free. They talk about their Constitutional Rights, even though their politicians have no idea what is actually in the Constitution or how it was designed to change with the country. No, they shouldn’t be embarrassed. Their crimes against humanity and this country are nothing short of a phenomenon. I would laugh and marvel at how they do it, you know, if we weren’t all going to suffer because of it.