Why No One Should be Surprised About This

“Violence can only be concealed by a lie, and the lie can only be maintained by violence.”

~Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Russia invading Ukraine is all over the news, so I used my Deep State contacts to reach out to a friend who works directly for Vladamir Putin. He filled in many blanks for me. I wanted to share it with the Dispatch readers. 

My dearest friend Sean, 

I was very surprised to hear about your feelings toward our freedom fighters liberating our Russian brothers and sisters of the Donetsk People’s Republic and the Luhansk People’s Republic. And no, we didn’t just make those names up. They are very historic and real potential governments that go back weeks if not months. We are simply spreading our superior way of governing to areas with people who speak our language and share our values. What is wrong with that? We encourage you to try it. Look at the city of Americana in Sao Paulo, Brazil. After your Civil War, over 10,000 Confederate soldiers moved to Brazil. Emperor Don Pedro II encouraged them to move there so they could continue slavery and help the economy with cotton plantations. If you want to spread freedom to them and take the city or the whole state, we wouldn’t stand in your way. Have you tried their nuts? We’d support you even. Not only do they speak English there to this day, but they do so with Southern accents while eating fried chickens. They still display the Confederate Flag every year when they commemorate the founding of the city. I couldn’t help but notice that displaying the Confederate Flag drives half of your population crazy while the other half loves it. I know this because we made many memes on both sides of the issue for your Facebook. 

Speaking of our bot farms, don’t you have bigger things to worry about than our little maneuvers? I cannot lie, my friend, I am a little offended. We spent much money and did years of research to get you all worried more about each other than about us. We even spelled words wrong and messed up our grammar in our memes so your Republicans would share our posts. The evils of political correctness, critical race theory, and radical Muslim terrorism is still out there. Go get them instead of us. With our help, you’ve let divisive politics bring democracy to a standstill. You see, that’s the difference between you and Putin. President Putin creates a common enemy for the state in order to unify the people (many times you) while the West, being the self proclaimed best and most powerful country in the world that provides luxuries to even the poverty stricken that many Third World countries would die for, hate each other and would happily burn down police stations, plan to kidnap a governor, destroy their own city’s economy, and even smear their own feces on the wall of their Capitol Building in the name of “pwning” the other. 

At the risk of being offensive myself, I must tell you that none of this should have been a surprise to you or your president. Many years, did we spend convincing your Republican leaders that we are no longer the bad guys in your homo-erotic 80s movies. The days of the noble Russian Oligarch being a James Bond villain or giant blonde boxer named Ivan Drago are over. Have you not watched Fox Right Wing Propaganda Machine? Блин! I mean Fox News, you still allow them to call it news. Free Speech is great, da?  

Tucker Carlson made his audience ask themselves, “Why do I hate Putin so much? Has Putin ever called me a racist? Has he threatened to get me fired for disagreeing with him?” I have to agree with him when he said that “Putin has never promoted racial discrimination in schools. Putin did not make the Mexican Fentanyl.” Putin isn’t trying to cancel Christmas. Putin doesn’t let trans people use public bathrooms. Okay, to be fair, I wrote those last ones, but they are true too. I do love American what-aboutism. I wish we invented that. We love Tucker Carlson. We even broadcast his show on our much superior Russian media in order to show our people your president’s obvious bias when it comes to ruining our good times.  

So, we’re not the bad guys, my friend. We are simply peacekeeping, and if needed we will peacekeep the shit out of all of Eastern Europe and the Baltic States. That is how much we love peace. If you fight us, you fight peace. These places we are liberating drink vodka and eat bortsch, it may as well be our vodka and our bortsch, da? 

Really, what are you going to do? Send troops? Start World War III? More sanctions? You sanction us? We sanction you. Do you know how much we give to the political action committees for your politicians on both sides of your aisle? We have gotten so many people elected from county level to the Oval Office. It’s so easy. 

Also, businesses in the United States invested close to 100 billion dollars in Russia in 2021, and for good reason. Once Climate Change melts our permafrost in our newly acquired territories, we will have land for cattle, for agriculture, for drilling, and much more. да ну! In twenty years, we will be wine country. I can think of a dozen names for a great red right off top of head. Something like a chateau Lafite, you know, a smokie with a baked plume taste. 

Anyway, your sanctions will do no good, dear friend.  We stock piled 600 billion in US currency and gold over the last couple years, and more than that, our people are used to living in severe poverty. What do you think will happen when gas hits $6 a gallon in Texas? Our bot farms got the rural workers in the Red states to burn their favorite Carhart overalls over nothing because the company dared tell their employees to get a lifesaving vaccine. We did it with very little effort. This is the truth I found out, the truth Putin knows from his years working in intelligence, you can take years working on legal documents, state and federal constitutions, and then all the amendments, law suits, and maybe after years in the courts make a slight change, but with the right meme, you can rule the world. 

I think popular opinion of the US capitalist population will decide that Russia can have these little places in Ukraine as long as gas prices go back down, and Susie and Johnny USA can go on joy rides in their convertible Chevy and Ford trucks while eating Big Macs and listening to 2 Chainz rap on the Fast & Furious soundtrack this summer. I’m sorry, my friend, but there’s very little you can do. 

All my best to your family, 

до свидания


Count Grigory Orlov V

By Sean Davis

Sean Davis is the author of The Wax Bullet War, a Purple Heart Iraq War veteran, and the winner of the Legionnaire of the Year Award from the American Legion in 2015 and the recipient of the Emily Gottfried Emerging Leader, Human Rights award for 2016. His stories, essays, and articles have appeared in the the Ted Talk Book The Misfit’s Manifesto (Simon and Schuster), Forest Avenue Press anthology City of Weird, Sixty Minutes, Story Corps, Flaunt Magazine, The Big Smoke, Human the movie, and much more.

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