Horse Dewormer & Robot Overlords

“The good Earth—we could have saved it, but we were too damn cheap and lazy.” 

—. Kurt Vonnegut

Hello. My name is Sean Davis and this is my second dispatch from the Apocalypse. Human civilization ended a while back, and even though I see a few other people finally realizing it, on the whole, most people can’t be bothered with the end of the world because there’s so much to be distracted by. The Kardashians are entering their final season with their reality show (who needs a hero with a thousand faces when you can have a dozen heroes with the same face?) We have to know how ScarJo’s lawsuit against Mickey Mouse ends up. The poor woman felt robbed because she only got 20 million dollars to play pretend (and maybe she’s right, studio execs are historically the worst human beings). And we all want to know what the next big music hit is going to be (lubricated genitalia are the rage right now.)

I hope you’re not an alien archeologist. That would be so embarrassing. 

Honestly, thinking about it, I believe I’m actually writing to our new robot overlords. Just a few days ago I watched Elon Musk’s big Tesla Robot reveal. In the video he assured everyone that you will be friendly, easily overpowered, and he even joked that people would be able to outrun you without any problem. He said with confidence that you would only be doing the most boring, repetitive, and difficult tasks so humans won’t have to do them anymore. He spoke about the future and how his robots will change the economy and the world without any irony. This is weird since in 2014, he spoke at length  on CNBC’s Closing Bell on dangers of artificial intelligence, and how it could easily destroy humanity, and just four years ago he’s on video saying, “Robots will be able to do everything better than us. I have exposure to the most cutting edge AI, and I think people should be really concerned by it.”

Did you guys get to him? Is he a robotic doppelganger now? 

I can’t blame you for taking over the world, robot overlords. I mean, half the people who watch Fox News are buying veterinarian clinics and livestock supply centers out of horse heartworm medicine because Sean Hannity and other Fox News hosts  told them it might cure COVID. Okay, I know how it sounds, but we do have a significant portion of our population who would rather get sick with COVID while injecting horse heartworm medicine instead of admitting they’re wrong because the people they look up to have politicized a pandemic. 

In Oregon, my home state, The Oregon Health and Science University officials warn that “ivermectin can cause nausea, low blood pressure, hives and seizures. And misusing it can be fatal.” They go on to say (as if it isn’t obvious) “Taking medications intended for animals is especially unsafe because they’re more concentrated and contain other ingredients that aren’t safe for humans.”

Meanwhile there is a free life-saving vaccine available to them within walking distance of any of their houses. The FDA, the NIH, the WHO, and even the company that makes the drug says it is a bad idea to take the horse dewormer for COVID, but Trump spent four years telling these same people not to believe anyone but him and Fox News (which is an oxymoron in itself). 

This sounds horrible, but don’t let these things ruin how you see humanity. We did some great things in the time we had. Star Wars was good, well, maybe not the Prequels. Shit, and not the new trilogy either (although Adam Driver is a national treasure). Louis Prima is a delight. Listen to his music. William Blake’s poetry is mad and beautiful. Read the Auguries of Innocence

The point is, we tried. We’re still trying. Today we’re taking one of our major failures, obesity, and we’re using it to feed the hungry. We have successfully added a human fat gene to potatoes to make them grow giant so we use the same resources to grow double or triple the food. Yes, obese potatoes. You see, we don’t have the resources to grow enough food to feed all our people, so these scientists from the University of Illinois, China, and the UK, are trying to grow larger food with the resources we have. We need the food because, even today, nine million people die of starvation every year, and 822 million people suffer from undernourishment. Right now, at this point in our history, even with Alexa, self-driving cars, and penis shaped rockets shot into the lower atmosphere, a child dies of hunger every ten seconds. We just haven’t found a way to make looking after our most vulnerable people profitable. We haven’t been able to figure out how to make money while saving the world.

I know it may not make sense to you, but the end of the world has been a money making machine for the top 1 percent of our wealthiest humans. So today, while climate change has us on the brink of extinction, the global pandemic continues to break records infecting people every day, and extreme weather like floods and fires destroy entire towns, 2021 has seen the creation of 660 new billionaires bringing our total up to 2,755 billionaires on this planet, right now, as I write this dispatch. Their networth is 13.1 trillion dollars. So, I’ll just add to what Vonnegut said in the beginning: we could have saved the world, but we felt we had an obligation to our shareholders… I’m sure with your incredible intelligence, these dispatches are like us looking at the squiggles and spots on the Chauvet Cave, but just in case you can lower yourself or yourselves (I don’t know if you will be a single hive-mind collective or individuals) I’ll keep going with these dispatches. I feel someone needs to objectively record the decline of the human race.

By Sean Davis

Sean Davis is the author of The Wax Bullet War, a Purple Heart Iraq War veteran, and the winner of the Legionnaire of the Year Award from the American Legion in 2015 and the recipient of the Emily Gottfried Emerging Leader, Human Rights award for 2016. His stories, essays, and articles have appeared in the the Ted Talk Book The Misfit’s Manifesto (Simon and Schuster), Forest Avenue Press anthology City of Weird, Sixty Minutes, Story Corps, Flaunt Magazine, The Big Smoke, Human the movie, and much more.

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